How oh how to even start this post? It is probably one of the most raw and hardest posts that I hopefully will do in a long time. But it really has been put on my heart to put it all into words to help me process everything, and in the long run remember it all right as it happened.
**Disclaimer – This is more of a somber post, so much different than my normal blog**
One week ago today, Nic and I walked into the OB department super excited for our first apt for baby Lotzer #3. I was about 10 weeks pregnant and feeling great. Gavin was over the moon excited to be a big brother again, and he talked about the baby ALL the time. I’m sure some are thinking, why did you tell your 4 year old so early on. Well I am a very open person and like to keep things as real as possible – I’m sure as you can tell from posting this so soon after it happening. Plus it was a bonding experience for Gavin and in the end I would not change any of it.
This is from our ultrasound. It just shows our cute, but empty amniotic sac.
So we went through the entire apt with everything looking awesome, and next came the ultrasound. The part that everyone is most excited about. Sadly, this is when we found out that our sweet little baby didn’t make it past the first stages of growth, which is called a Blighted Ovum. The amniotic sac and everything produced as normal, but something was not right with the baby. Of course panic, sadness and hurt set in, but they scheduled a 2nd ultrasound for the next day just to make sure. This apt just was a confirmation of what we were afraid of.
My mind was all over the place at this point. How could this happen? I felt pregnant, the test to that day says positive. I just could not understand and comprehend what was happening. We had been planning, and telling our loved ones of course. But God had a very different plan for us, a plan that I needed to trust in. With lots of prayer, help from some others that have gone through this, Nic, family, and friends that have offered love, I was able to get through the next few days. I was sad, mad, back to sad and overall crushed. I, to put in better terms, was a mess!
Lisa Leonard is a special designer that Nic has loved getting me jewelry from. Her pieces are so unique. For mothers day I got the middle piece. The three stars at the bottom represented our three kids, (as we had just found out we were pregnant) and Nic was the top star that was guiding our family. The meaning has changed a bit now, the top star is our baby in heaven watching over us, and the bottom three of my earthly men that I love deeply. <3 I probably love it even more now than before!
During this time I also learned that I had what is called a missed miscarriage. This is when your body does not know there is not a baby yet. So I had all the hormones, feelings and emotions like I was pregnant. It was on Sunday that things started moving along and I didn’t feel so good. This was the point that I knew I needed some help. I was so beyond nervous to go through the pain, emotions and feelings of labor. Sure, it could be easy as I know everyone is different and everyone’s bodies handle these things different. But with Nic traveling a ton for work, living with my in-laws while our house is being built, a summer vacation around the corner, and with sessions/weddings galore I chose to go the route of having a D&C. I know that this is not the right choice for some, and not everyone has the same views on the way a body should handle this type of situation. But for me and my family this was the best. It was yesterday that I sadly went in to have this done. There were lots of tears on the way in, but all of the nurses and doctors were beyond kind and held my hand as I fell into pieces knowing this was the end of our pregnancy. Baby Lotzer had of course been in heaven for weeks already but this was the last physical part I had left.
This then brings me to today. I am feeling physically better and very glad that I chose the route that I did. My body can now heal while my heart still aches and I know the tears are still going to fall. But like I said before, I will let Gods plan unfold and trust that his plan is a greater one than I could ever imagine.
Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. I have two beyond beautiful, energetic and perfect little boys that I hug even harder now. My pregnancies went well with them, and I just never thought this was in our cards. It is also something that someone is really not able to understand until it happens to them. And in this past week, I have had some great people reach out to me just telling me their stories. From how they felt, what happened and how recovery was. It really made me feel more “normal”, and this happens more than people realize. Maybe now in the future my story and pain may give someone down the line that sadly has to go through this a little bit of hope.
How did Gavin take the news? As stated above he knew about the baby and was still talking about it once this all started last week. Well I took him aside and sat him down to tell him the news. I said “Gavin buddy, the baby that was in mommy’s tummy was sick. And Jesus took the little baby to heaven with him” Gavin looked at me, and in a yelling matter said “God, bring my baby back down”. And then said, “mom, go get the ladder.” We now pray every morning for our little one and know that he or she is in a better place. Gavin still says we need to go get a ladder or find the beanstalk that God used to get to heaven.
In closing, I have learned so much about myself and my wonderful husband over the last week/few months. With the moving, living with our in-laws, building a home and all the crazy things from my last personal post, he really is my rock. Nic has been beyond supportive with my hormonal emotional self, between the pregnancy hormones to all of this now. I really don’t know if I could have survived without him. Thank you Nic. And thank you to all of the ones that have helped this past week. You have all been brought into my life to support me through this and words will never be enough to show how much you have helped. Love you all!!
.jpg)
My work has fallen a little more behind than I would like to admit due to all of this. There are things that just have sadly had to go to the back burner this past week, but as I heal and get better and I will get all that I need done, done. And as fast as I can!